Let me count the ways… (from my Facebook this week)

  1. Tom Brady is Satan.
  2. Tom Brady vacations in Bangkok.
  3. Tom Brady uses orphan kids as landscape features in his garden.
  4. Tom Brady likes Trump.
  5. Tom Brady went out in public dressed like this :


  1. Tom Brady’s breath smells like sauerkraut and skunk poop.
  2. Tom Brady wears a micro g-string under his uniform instead of a jock strap.
  3. Babies are the main ingredient in Tom Brady’s face cream.
  4. Tom Brady drinks merlot with chicken spaghetti.
  5. Tom Brady is celebrating Robert E. Lee’s birthday today. (posted on MLK’s birthday holiday)
  6. Tom Brady tests his lipstick on puppies.
  7. Tom Brady molts three times a year.
  8. Tom Brady puts sugar on his grits.
  9. Tom Brady doesn’t think Mr. Bean is funny.
  10. Tom Brady hired Nickelback for his birthday party.
  11. Tom Brady doesn’t celebrate Independence Day.
  12. Tom Brady tried to milk Robert De Niro.
  13. Tom Brady voted for apartheid.
  14. Tom Brady wears diapers on airplanes.
  15. Tom Brady uses a Commodore 64 to browse internet porn.
  16. Tom Brady uses Jiffy corn muffin mix to make his Thanksgiving dressing, and he calls it stuffing.
  17. Hilly was Tom Brady’s favorite character in The Help.
  18. Tom Brady has a wet nurse.
  19. Tom Brady doesn’t shower after gym class.
  20. Tom Brady exposed himself to his pedicurist in an unwanted advance.
  21. Tom Brady smokes oregano.
  22. Tom Brady is the zodiac killer and DB Cooper.
  23. Tom Brady likes La Croix.
  24. Tom Brady has a safety pin belly button ring and a butterfly tramp stamp.
  25. Tom Brady sends bran muffins with mayonnaise icing to kids’ birthday parties.
  26. Tom Brady’s mother is disappointed in him.
  27. Dick Cheney is Tom Brady’s homeboy.
  28. Tom Brady was Stephen King’s inspiration for It.
  29. Tom Brady leaves Legos on the living room floor.
  30. Tom Brady’s car failed its emissions test and he refuses to fix it.
  31. Tom Brady pees in hot tubs.
  32. Tom Brady washes and reuses paper plates.
  33. Tom Brady Rickrolls himself.
  34. Tom Brady’s favorite drink is Malibu and pineapple juice.
  35. Tom Brady is the drummer for Gwar.
  36. Tom Brady is guilty of collusion.
  37. Tom Brady wears a merkin.
  38. The only way Tom Brady sees his wife naked is in a magazine. (kinda like President Trump)
  39. Bill Cosby is Tom Brady’s mentor.
  40. Tom Brady had his own suite at The Neverland Ranch.
  41. Tom Brady’s wife has to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog will play with him.
  42. Chuck Norris said, “Tom who???”
  43. Tom Brady uses the money he bribes refs with as a tax deduction. He claims it as a business expense.
  44. Tom Brady’s mother wears combat boots.
  45. Tom Brady rides sidesaddle.
  46. Tom Brady orders his steak well done and eats it with ketchup.
  47. Tom Brady and Roger Goodell were Kenny Rogers’ inspiration for the song Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.
  48. Tom Brady reads Playboy for the articles.
  49. Tom Brady hates the Stennis Flag.
  50. Tom Brady makes ham sammiches with only 1 thin slice of ham.
  51. Tom Brady eats Krystals without mustard.
  52. Tom Brady is a whiny child even after he eats a Snickers.
  53. Tom Brady wears brown socks with black shoes.
  54. Tom Brady prefers McDonald’s over Chick Fil A.
  55. Tom Brady is anatomically exactly like a Ken doll.
  56. Tom Brady uses a blond roux in his gumbo.
  57. Tom Brady thinks Queen was grossly overrated.
  58. Tom Brady was the captain of the Exxon Valdez.
  59. Tom Brady gave Elvis the pills that killed him.
  60. Tom Brady was the captain of the Titanic.
  61. Tom Brady led the Massacre at Wounded Knee.
  62. Tom Brady encouraged George Custer to make his last stand.
  63. Tom Brady was the trail boss for the Donner party.
  64. Tom Brady was El Chapo’s head of security.
  65. Tom Brady instigated Brexit.
  66. Tom Brady was the interpreter for the secret Trump-Putin meeting.
  67. Tom Brady is the reason I’m clogging up everybody’s newsfeed.
  68. Tom Brady is not the reason I’m going to sleep, now.
  69. Tom Brady was the side judge for the Saints game Sunday.
  70. Tom Brady doesn’t think Ginger Billy is funny.
  71. Tom Brady laughed when Ol Yeller died.
  72. Tom Brady has gold and green shag carpet (and I don’t mean on his floors).
  73. Tom Brady won’t peel his own crawfish.
  74. Tom Brady ordered the attack on Pearl Harbor.
  75. Tom Brady doesn’t like Keifer’s feta dressing.
  76. Tom Brady caused Lucky Town to shut down.
  77. Tom Brady made carbs fattening.
  78. Tom Brady washes his windshield while driving in front of you on the interstate right after you washed your car.
  79. Tom Brady killed Buddy Holly, Jimmy Hendrix, and Stevie Ray Vaughn.
  80. Have you ever noticed that you never see Tom Brady and Charles Manson at the same time? I’m not saying they’re the same person, but I’m just saying…
  81. Tom Brady framed Roger Rabbit.
  82. Tom Brady smokes Virginia Slims menthol 120s.
  83. Tom Brady made Star Wars episodes 1-3.
  84. Tom Brady installed dual exhaust with glass packs on his Rolls Royce and had the catalytic converter removed.
  85. Gisele asked Tom Brady to get her a Phillips-head screwdriver, and he confidently handed her a pipe wrench.


My friends’ contributions:

  1. The character of Burke, in “Aliens,” was based on Tom Brady.
  2. Tom Brady brought acid wash back.
  3. Actual fact: Tom Brady got another woman pregnant while dating his now-wife.
  4. Tom Brady is what killed the dinosaurs.
  5. Tom Brady hung TrukNutz under his Escalade.

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